5 hours...

...that is how much time I got to spend with my little angel. It was the most amazing 5 hours of my life. It was the strongest I have ever felt the spirit. Samuel was so special; his spirit was perfect. As I held my son in my arms I felt so much gratitude to my Heavenly Father for allowing us to spend time together. I felt so much pride in my heart for Samuel. I was proud of him. Proud that he held on long enough to allow Jake and I to meet him and hold him and love him and kiss him. Proud that he had already proved himself enough to not have an earthly test. Proud to be his mother.

I think about him every single day. I don't think a day will ever go by when I don't think about Samuel. I hope he knows how much Jake and I love him and how much he changed our lives and how many people he touched.

Without going into much detail about how our 5 hours in the hospital with Samuel was, I'll write just a few things. When Samuel was born his heart rate was at 40 bpm when it should be closer to 130. Jake administered a name and a blessing after which we saw a quick increase in heart rate and a more normal skin color. I think he was ready to go home but realized that his mom and dad needed just a little more time with him. So... he indulged us and held on a little longer. We held Samuel and loved him as much as we could for 5 hours. The spirit has never been so strong and my heart has never been so full. I was holding Samuel in my arms when he left us. I was staring into his sweet little face and Jake, my sister and my dad were all there. When he was ready, he slipped away in the most peaceful way.

This has been by far the most difficult trial in my life and still is everyday. I don't know when it starts to get easier. But just as I have seen the Lord's hand in our lives each day throughout the last few months and each minute of the day on September 22nd, I continue to trust in Him and I continue to feel comfort and peace in my heart.